Hollywood Riot

Just throw it…

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Dear loyal reader,
We will begin implementing a new feature called Facebook Connect in the coming days. This handy tool will allow Facebook users an easier way to leave comments, and share Hollywood Riot content on their Facebook profiles.

All very exciting, and coming soon!

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This movie makes me excited in a way not felt since the debut of the Ford Fiesta. 

"Are We There Yet?" Hell no, we're driving a Chrysler.

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Those wacky Somali-based pirates have been raging lately. Stealing the Sirius Star oil tanker is no easy feat, and experts agree that nobody knows how to properly handle the situation. The rogues, who fashion themselves after Captain Jack Sparrrow of Disney fame, are simply ‘star struck terrorists‘ according to US Admiral Pete Smythe.

“Oh, they think Jack Sparrow is so cool. Most of the pirate pubs have posters of the pretend Captain hanging behind the bar, and everyone dresses like him– which is to say, not at all like a real pirate.”

"We will fuck you up. Seriously."

The Somali pirates are even implementing Sparrow’s most dastardly pirate tricks.

“You remember the scene where he pretends to steal one boat, then somehow sneaks over and steals the really fast British ship instead? Well, they’ve done that to us three times,” claimed a seemingly exhausted Smythe. “Right out of the Cap’n Jack playbook. These are terrorists acting like pirates and they are obsessed with a goddamn fairy tale. We freak out when these guys hijack an airplane, but slap on an eyepatch and everyone simply swoons.”

Due to the number of years that the popular, swashbuckling character has existed in the pantheon of pop culture, millions of tons of unlicensed merchandise has either ended up in the trash or lost at sea. When a shipping container stuffed with Captain Jack Sparrow halloween costumes and several bootleg copies of Pirates of the Caribbean II washed ashore the small town of Eyl, the scene was set. It wasn’t long before an army of Jack Sparrow-lookalike pirates were ready to take to the high seas for plunder and glory.

“Last year, these men were sustaining themselves on bread made out of redwood sawdust and ground glass. Now, they’re hijacking oil tankers and living like kings in their pirate bay. To their credit, they maintain a better human rights record than China– but they made a mistake by stealing that oil tanker. We’re not sure what’s stopping air strikes, but as soon as the top brass figure it out, you can kiss your precious pirates goodbye. Arrggh.”

"Gulf of Aden uniform."

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Hollywood Riot first reported on the surge in pirate activity back in April.

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Alexander the Great VS Joe the Plumber

While the Great one had conquered a large swath of the ancient world before his 25th birthday, the forty-something Plumber has yet to earn his Plumbing license, the one and only document that qualifies him to use that particular surname. Without it, he is simply Joe the Guy and that’s not very Great. 

Albert Einstein VS Sarah Palin

Einstein was full of brilliant ideas, and he changed the way we look at our world. Sarah Palin is full of something else, but she too helped change the world <ahem>. 

Charles Darwin VS God

The only thing these two have in common is an affinity for whiskers. The Father of Evolution, Charles Darwin, derived much from his observations of creatures great and small. From his majestic insight, humankind has gotten to know itself better than ever before. We can see and appreciate how incredibly intricate life on Earth really, truly is. In a way, the sheer complexity of the situation makes the very notion of an omnipotent being seem quaint. And what of God? Well, in the beginning… He had a threesome with space/time - often referred to as “the Big Bang” - and got this whole ball rolling. But, sadly, God said He was going out for smokes about 9 billion years ago and we haven’t seen Him since. 

Shakespeare VS EnderGame1989

William_S_1616: “O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?”

EnderGame1989: “LOLz, gawd, y r u so gay?”

William_S_1616: “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose.”

EnderGame1989: “Dude, ur such a f@g!”

William_S_1616: “Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.”

EnderGame1989: “LOL, yah, its u!”

William_S_1616 has logged out.

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