Hollywood Riot

It’s hard to imagine anything cooler than a real, live intergalactic space alien. Having said that, some aliens are definitely cooler than others. (Just like Hollywood Riot readers are way cooler than people who read TMZ or this website.)

Some aliens you’d want to invite to a BBQ and some you’d rather freeze for research. Here’s a list of the aliens I’d most like to split a bottle of tequila with. And no, you will not find Jar Jar Binks on this list.

10. ALF A.L.F. (Alien Life Form) was a saucy little guy. He resembled a puppet more than a space alien, but that just added to his charm. He was always getting into some kind of hilarious mischief. And he had more one-liners than Rodney Dangerfield.

9. Predator Alien vs Predator? Please. Everyone knows Predator is way cooler. Between the dreadlocks and that beaker of acid, this guy’s got it going on.

8. The Coneheads What could be better than an alien that looked and sounded like Dan Akroyd?

7. ET He may not be cool, per say, but he’s very sweet and he’s got a glowing finger that makes plants grow. Do you have a glowing finger that makes plants grow? I didn’t think so.

6. Thundercats Snarf, in particular, was very cool. Snaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrfffff! These aliens also had a surprisingly catchy theme song. Thunder, thunder, thunder, thunder CATS! It just wreaked of coolness.

5. Ewoks What’s not to love here? You can’t understand what they’re saying, but you don’t need to because you know they know what’s up. They’re cute like E.T but they can kick some major ass, too. Totally awesome.

4. The Electric Grandmother Okay, she was more of an android, but whatever. That bitch was cool. She poured orange juice out of her finger. Orange juice! Out of her finger! Totally rad.

3. Chewbacca Chewy is the man. Tough, but tender, this furry, foreign Bigfoot would be a total blast to hang with. Imagine walking into the bar with Chewbacca. It would have to be done in slow motion it would be so cool.

2. The Apes (Planet of the Apes) Are these guys cool? Hell yes. They’re just not very friendly. But you’ve gotta admit, we kind of deserve the cold shoulder.

1. Yoda Number one he is. I am not anticipating any argument here. Yoda is, and will always be, the absolute coolest alien of all time.

The U.K. is coming clean about its unidentified flying past. This week, British authorities made public their version of “X-Files.” Any account of UFO sightings and/or abductions on U.K. territory since records of such things were taken seriously enough to write down are here. Some are crazy, others are downright creepy. This week, the Riot is going to examine a few files of interest. Among the most sensational is the Rendlesham Forest case.

According to the recently declassified documents:

“A report from Lt.Col Charles Halt on 13th January 1981 tells how on the night of December 27th security patrolmen spotted odd lights above the forest. They saw the lights plunge down and went to investigate. In the forest they found a triangular shaped object 9ft long by 6ft high hovering above the ground. The object had a pulsing red light on top with blue lights underneath.

According to the patrolmen a white light coming from the UFO illuminated the whole forest. The object suddenly took off and flew away. Other airmen on the base also saw the lights. Investigators studying the site where the craft landed found three depressions in a triangular shape. A radar reading spiked at each depression.”

The Rendlesham Forest incident is one of the best documented, most significant, and most credible military encounters with a UFO. Other strange lights in the sky were witnessed over the course of four days. Rendlesham Forest is a large pine forest near two NATO air bases, RAF Bentwaters and RAF Woodbridge. At the time, both bases were being leased to the U.S. Air Force.

Did the British cops run into a stealth bomber prototype, or did they see a real-deal space cruiser?

Draw your own conclusions, but I’ll leave you with this quote from one of the men who witnessed the craft:

Airman (later Sergeant) John Burroughs insisted ‘I do not now whether this was some kind of machine under intelligent control or a fantastic natural phenomenon - some rare kind of energy. What I do know is that it was nothing mundane. There are no words that can adequately describe the wonder of what we saw.”   

More Alien Week Posts:

The Vatican Greenlights Aliens

All you Catholic UFO spotters out there, rejoice! The Vatican has just blessed us with more infinite wisdom. Oh, joyous day. Hallefreakinlujah. I love when one of those old, out-of-touch men give a speech. Especially when it’s about…

Wait for it… wait for it… aliens! That’s right - the Vatican is encouraging us to believe in, and love, our alien brothers! No, not illegal aliens - space aliens. As in outer space. For reals.

Finally, they’ve said something that makes sense!

Check out this quote (you can’t make this shit up):

In an interview published Tuesday by Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, Funes says that such a notion (space aliens) “doesn’t contradict our faith” because aliens would still be God’s creatures.

The interview was headlined “The extraterrestrial is my brother.” [WTF?] Funes said that ruling out the existence of aliens would be like “putting limits” on God’s creative freedom.

“Like putting limits on God’s creative freedom?” I thought limits were the Vatican’s bag, baby. They do nothing but put limits on, well, everybody’s freedom. No sex, no birth control, no divorce, no lust, no greed, no coveting, no same-sex love… NO FUN.

I’m wondering, though, what would happen if these aliens turn out to be lusty drunks who use birth control, have abortions, eat meat on Friday, and are hopelessly vain? Will the Vatican still be singing their praises? What if our “Extraterrrestrial Brothers?” don’t eat Reeses Pieces or let us dress them up in doll clothes? What if they’d rather incinerate us than phone home? Or worse, what if they’re (gasp!) gay?

Oh right - the old “you’ll burn in hell” trick. Blah, blah, blah… I have a feeling if there are aliens out there, they’re smarter than to fall for that tired gag.

I guess we could just ask Pope Benedict XVI - I’m pretty sure he’s an alien himself. I mean, look at that bulbous head and those bulging eyes. Isn’t he like 145 years old? A human being could never live that long - it’s impossible. Impossible I say!

Let’s put an end to all this wondering, shall we? Let’s open the X Files. What do you think - are aliens good Catholics? Or will they be a disgrace to the Church? Will those kooky Vaticanians rue the day they invited aliens to the table?

I don’t know about you, but all this alien talk has me fired up for some interstellar action. Let’s let our UFO flags fly, people! Join the Riot this week as we explore reports of strange lights in the night, alien encounters, and anal popes probes. Basically, we’re gonna get all extraterrestrial on your ass. And maybe even in it.

Earth to Xenu…

OK, it’s official- TIME and CNN have done lost their minds. Before Dick Cheney could even begin to imagine a way to take advantage of his evil weather experiment the cyclone in Myanmar, these two wacko news outlets roll with a whopper of a headline:

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Whoa! What the hell? The survivors are lucky the brutal junta controlling their nation is finally starting to let aid workers in. Nobody wants to invade you, Myanmar, trust us. Don’t listen to TIME or CNN. Let those planes in!!

To TIME and CNN: shut the hell up. Who asked you, Dick Cheney? Seriously, cover the news and report it and go home. Your airy suggestion to invade Myanmar is ridiculously infuriating. The U.S. spent $5 million per day as our military helped the tsunami victims a few years back, which really improved the situation. That relatively paltry figure doesn’t even come close to how much we’re spending on gasoline consumption alone in Iraq each day, so invading a country is neither easy nor cheap. Like we did in Bosnia and elsewhere, the U.S. and International Red Cross should just ignore the junta and air drop shipments of food and aid in. Even if half of it is confiscated by the military, it would provide some relief while a better resolution is worked out.

If we send the rest of our Marines storming in, that messed up Myanmar government will prop up their poor civilians with fake guns and we’ll end up shooting the very people we are trying to help. That will lead to some other radical group (The Myanmar Militia or Burmese Roaring Tigers or whatever) to spring up and start attacking the invaders (U.S.). What are we left with? Another un-winnable war in some foreign land.

Of course, this all changes the moment someone discovers oil there. Then, naturally, we invade the shit out of Myanmar. And if that happens, my theories on Dick Cheney’s weather machine will gain some serious traction.

The group behind the Blue Bin and The Three R’s is at it again. In a new direction for the Recycling Union Coalition of the United States, hundreds of goats are being introduced into local recycling centers to do what goats do best- eat cans.

“We’ve known for years that goats consume aluminum in the wild- which explains why many choose to live on extreme rock outcroppings and steep mountain tops.” said Dr. Tucker Florentine, VP of Communications at R.U.C.U.S. “Goats seek aluminum deposits and, much like a horse to his salt block, will stand there and lick the mineral for hours at a time. Apparently, it plays a part in their horn development. The more aluminum a goat absorbs, the stronger their horns. Stronger horns give an evolutionary advantage both in mating and defense against predators.”

With aluminum being so sought after by goats, it was only a matter of time before R.U.C.U.S. contacted local petting zoos to test their theory. Several large specimens, of both Billy and Mountain variety, were presented with a large bale of crushed aluminum cans ready for traditional recycling. Would the goats take to aluminum cans as they do to natural aluminum deposits?

“Needless to say, the goats went crazy.” said Dr. Florentine, “I’ve researched feeding frenzy behavior in sharks and piranha, but I’ve never witnessed anything like this. Over the course of ten minutes, six goats consumed nearly 17,000 cans. It was messy, and three agency workers were bitten, one quite extensively. However, at the end there was hardly a scrap of aluminum left. Simply incredible.”

Could goats usher in a new golden age of recycling? At least for aluminum, the answer seems to be a resounding yes. It’s not a stretch to think the (DN)A-Team is somehow involved in all of this.

“We had nothing to do with those goddamn goats.” said Mr. DNA himself, “Eating aluminum cans? Are you serious? Everyone knows they only eat tin cans. These morons are going to kill millions of innocent goats who can’t tell the difference between a ferrous and non-ferrous metal. The Team has been busy working on these kick ass bacteria that can eat radioactive waste, but as soon as we’re done we’ll get to work on making sure these animals are able to digest every known iron alloy. Fucking humans, I swear.”

Mr. DNA then downloaded a startling image from the R.U.C.U.S. database that clearly shows they are moving forward with this progressive, if not completely understood, recycling program:

As always, Hollywood Riot will be on the scene to keep you informed of the latest developments. Or you can easily Subscribe to our Free Feed and let the news come to you.

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